kisses & cake.

it's amazing to me how one smell can trigger so many memories. one song can take us back to one moment in time where life could never be the same. one memory can bring back so much joy, excitement, happiness, pain, etc. the times in our lives that made an impact on who we are. why we live. & what we live for.

sometimes emotions that i forgot i had can be found in a movie, song, picture, or smell that ironically brings me back to a point in my life where love overcame all other worries.

you're the one i love. the one that lights up my life. your warm whispers drown every breath of me. i like to be reminded that i feel this way.

we get so caught up in the routine, in the business of life. but routines shouldn't stop us from enjoying the little things that make our lives worth the while.

tonight, i'm going to take in the kisses like it's the last i'll ever get. appreciate your love. surround my being with you.

How do you do it??

How do you tell your parents, friends, siblings, granparents, etc. that you made a decision to do something & for them to accept that?? How do you overcome judgement from people today?

You don't. You sugar coat the choices you make to have them seem better, to allow people to accept those decisions. Even though it could potentially hurt someone's feelings, or yet seem like a lie. In the end it was all just to make things easier on everyone. Somehow, it ends up making things harder and worse for everyone.

Why do it? Why put yourself through something like this just because you worry about what people are going to think or say. Better yet, how they are going to accept what you've done? Or maybe unacceptance and closed arms instead of open arms from your family.

I don't truly understand why I do or say somethings the way I do. Maybe it's that I don't want people to look at me differently. I think my business is my own. Maybe it's that I don't want my mother to write me off forever & never help me because I made a decision that she didn't think was the right one.

I guess I will never know. I guess I can just work on the things that hurt others, and that can make me a better person.

It's not that I don't want to be responsible. It's just that I'm scared & don't have the courage and honor like you do. Oh, if I could only be more like you in that area. Things just might be easier.

Home is where the <3 is..

I've heard my mother say plenty of times that her heart lies on that "farm" near my Granny & Papa. Even though she & my stepfather are building a million dollar home in Louisiana, she says it will never really be her home...

Why can't I say that about my home in south Mississippi?? Why doesn't it bother me that I no longer live there? Why am I not home sick?

Yes, my heart is where my family, true friends, and memories are.. But, I don't know that I could truly say that my heart is in Mississippi. Every time I go "home" I am comfortable around my family and the few real friends I've kept in touch with since I left, but I always feel a little out of place. I always feel that I really don't know who some of those people I've known all my life are.

My heart is where my husband is. That is my life now. That is what matters most. Home is where we are going to build a life.
As the time is drawing to an end here in Texas, where will Patrick & I call home? I am excited to find out!

I guess I really did break away..

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love.
I'll take a risk, take a chance,
Make a change, and break away

Be True To Yourself :)

I am realizing very quickly just how many people around me aren't true to themselves.

Why live behind a mask? Why live by other people's rules?

I am not here to act a certain way just to make someone happy. You are supposed to learn these things when you go through high school, & grow up. You finally see what's important in life, other than trying to be in a "click" or impress your friends to be accepted. Once you are an adult, you should've learned from your mistakes and how to be yourself. Most importantly, learned exactly who you are.

You should be comfortable in who you are. Be true to yourself, and be true to others in the sense that you are honest w/ them and a real friend. Accept your friends for who they are, and choose your friends wisely. Surround yourself w/ people who will lift you up, not drag you down.

If you encounter a friend whom you feel you can't be yourself around, then maybe you shouldn't be friends w/ that person. Life is not about gossip, or who's doing what. Life is about growing, learning, sharing, & embracing. Life is too short to be cattish.

I'll admit, I've made stupid mistakes. I've tried to act a certain way to make people happy. I've dealt w/ this a lot in the past. But, I'm learning. I'm growing up. The only people I now worry about making happy are my husband and family (including those friends who are considered family). Those are the people who matter most. Those are the people who will be there when no one else is.

From the words of Ziggy Marley : "Do what you feel and don't you fool yourself; Call me selfish if you will, my life I alone can live; I don't care if it hurts, I'm tired of all these lies and games; I've reached a point in life, no longer can I be this way; I've got to be true to myself."

So if you see a change in me, take it w/ a grain of salt. It's for the better. Love me or leave me.

I've got the best friend of all: Jesus Christ! :)

Starting to Feel like "ME"

For a few months I just haven't felt like myself. I haven't been able to be "ME". I think I was allowing others influences to get the best of me.

After some soul searching and forgiveness, I've started to feel like "ME" again! (which by the way, feels soo good!)

The positives about feeling like myself again:
I smile & laugh more.
My relationship w/ my husband is blossoming.
I can speak my mind.
I am more emotionally stable.
I am starting to get fit & healthier.
I am able to open up to my friends and have them accept me for me, or don't.

I've always been a happy person. But, sometimes you lose the vision of things.
I'm so glad to be feeling like myself again.
Hopefully, people will begin to see the change in me. :)

ugh.. that's all i can say.

What are you supposed to do when things go sour btw you and other people? How do things in life get so messed up that you are no longer friends w/ some people who used to matter most? How do you let go of a friendship that you thought you'd have forever?
God gave me this motherly tone, a mouth to speak it, and a giving heart. But sometimes emotions rage over & once again the word vomit comes pouring out. Sometimes instead of giving loving advice, I preach and fuss. It sucks. But I learn from my flaws, and the people who are my true friends accept me. Always be true to yourself.

Someone sent this to me & maybe I just need to remind myself of it occaisonally.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people become friends and stay a while.. leaving beautiful footprints on our heart, and we are never quite the same because we have made a good friend.

*When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend and they are. Thye are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fullfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

*Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace of make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.!

*LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, & put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant!

It's hard to accept the fact that some people will not be a lifetime friend. It's hard to let go. & it's okay to cry about the loss of a friendship. I pray that God will bless each type of friend that I encounter in my life. That I will be a shining light in their life, learn from them as well as they learn from me. & help me to move on, and find friends that will lift me up, & not bring me down.

An Intimate Marriage <3

Intimacy.. oh to be intimate! But what is intimacy? How is it defined in a marriage?

I am going to reference Jimmy Evans post on Marriage Today (below is the link), as I share my own intimate thoughts, beliefs, struggles, opinions, & questions.

http://www.marriagetoday.org/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=5113&security=1&news_iv_ctrl=1061

According to Jimmy Evans:
Intimacy is defined as an inner closeness and depth of relationship; complete mutual awareness and unhindered access of interpersonal issues, information and interests.

A simple definition of intimacy is "to be close and/or deep." An intimate marriage is a relationship of emotional and spiritual closeness that goes much deeper than the average friendship or family bond. This intimacy is expressed through physical affection, sexual contact, verbal exchange, and various other ways.

Married couples are intimate with one another when their communication with each other is enhanced daily by their willingness to share not only their thoughts and opinions, but also their feelings; is sexual as well as emotional (as defined by marriage.about.com).

Evans says there are 2 deceptions of intimacy:
1. Marriage will automatically be intimate.
2. Sex produces intimacy.

*4 Goals for an Intimate Marriage:
1. Sharing an attitude of openness and surrender- an intimate life is a shared life.
2. Partnership, A relationship of mutual support and encouragement- selfishness destroys oneness & intimacy.
3. Investment, An atmosphere of regular, positivie exchange- create a bond & meet each other's needs. 4. Trust, an environment of safety and security- build trust through consistency, careful speech, kindness, & humility.

I've seen marriages fall apart by not having Christ in them. Satan wants to use the advantages of the world against us. He wants to see our marriages fail!
Pray that God will give you strength, guidance, and love in your marriage. Learn to communicate w/ your spouse! That is the key!
My husband and I are learning some of these very things in our marriage. All to benefit us in the best way!

Check out the Marriage Today site.

a slow down & a break down..

The parable of Luke 6 was shared today @ church. Good vs. Evil. The main concept I got out of the story was that I needed to "stop trying to get sawdust out of my brother's eye first, and get the plank out of my own. Then, I will be able to get the plank from my brother's eye easier." In other words, I need to stop worrying about everyone else's problems and situations and focus on my own struggles. Sometimes it may take a slow down & a break down to see that.

I live in this little doctor bubble where there are pressures to become something great, and be the best doctor of chiropractic that you can be. For a 22 year old (who's always had high expectations of herself, and had always been more grown up for her age) sometimes that can be a struggle in itself. (along with) Trying to balance a part-time job, school, marriage, happiness, money, & responsibilities take a toll on stress levels.

I know that I am an impatient person, I like to see things go my way, and I always feel like I have to be in control or things will not get finished. I never realized how much pressure I put onto others just from my stresses. I don't like to admit to my flaws, and I don't like to be wrong. (Ok, there! I said it! I DON'T LIKE TO BE WRONG!) That's hard for me to say. I always heard that when you go into your home from a day's work or school, that you need to leave you worries on the doormat. That is something I definately have not been doing. Then, I get so caught up in this person's problems or that person's anxiety, & I never have time to think about my own. They just kept building and building, & never got discussed. Finally, it came. The break down.

My mouth opened & the word vomit came flowing (as did the tears). The things I don't know how to express, or even if they are being conveyed correctly were coming out of me, and all I could do was cry. It was today that I took the plank from my own eye. It was today that he connected emotions and intimacy. Hopefully, it was today that started a new chapter, a new communication, a new love, and a new beginning.

Sometimes we just need to slow down & have a break down to see the things that matter most. (or maybe to even realized that we have problems that haven't been addressed). Now I'm leaving it to God and faith to handle the rest.

I should never ask why?! Just have FAITH..

I know I should never question God's plan for someone's life, not even mine. Although that person is hurting, God has a purpose for those choices. Sometimes we can't see why God closed one door, but He always opens another to different opportunities or to teach us a lesson.

We shouldn't ask why God is allowing things to happen, we should just have FAITH that something better will happen. Faith can carry you a long way. Faith can see you through life's hardest hour. Sometimes FAITH has to be tested to make sure it can be trusted.
When I don't know the answers to things I read this:

HEBREWS 11:1-6
*Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
*For by it the people of old received their commendation.
*By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.
*By faith Abel offered to God a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain, through which he was commended as righteous, God commending him by accepting his gifts. And through his faith, though he died, he still speaks.
*By faith Enoch was taken up so that he should not see death, and he was not found, because God had taken him. Now before he was taken he was commended as having pleased God.
*And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.

http://www.bereanbiblechurch.org/transcripts/hebrews/11_1-6.htm

James 2:18-19
"But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that

Ephesians 2:8-10
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by works so that one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

The only thing I can do in life is to continue to have Faith that things will work out. To put my Faith in God that He will carry me/my loved ones through hard times.

I leave you with this:
listen to Casting Crowns, "I Will Praise You in This Storm"

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to Youand raised me up again my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Best Friends.. (Dealing with life's choices)

I wrote this for my best friend Jodi when I made the decision to end things w/ my ex, and move forward down the path God had planned for me.

You were there for me from the start

You gave me advice from the heart

You let me lean on you when I was weak

You even put up with my emotional streak

You lifted me up with your smiling face

You also reminded me of God's amazing grace

You dropped everything to help me cope

You made me see that there was hope

You said God would bless me & everything would be alright

You knew that I would be happy without him in my sight

You opened my ears to the voice of truth

I know now that God's plan for me is fool proof

I thank Him for putting you in my life

He knew you would be there though my strife

I couldn't have asked for someone better

To help me fight throught life's stormy weather

Thank you for being my very best friend

And seeing me through to the very end

I love you JoJo with all of my heart

I honestly pray our friendship never falls apart.

Thanks Jodi! For all of your love and support. We have our ups and downs, but you are always just a phone call away.

September 3, 2006: Perfect Love.

What is a PERFECT LOVE?? As teenage girls, we dream of the perfect love and perfect spouse that is out there for us. All females want to experience the Perfect Love!! Of course God has that one person that he has designed for each and every one of us.. and if we follow his plan, we can find that perfect love. I want to share another kind of PERFECT LOVE!!

NIV--1 John 4:15-21
"If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. GOD IS LOVE. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, LOVE IS MADE COMPLETE among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgement, because in this world we are like him. THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE. But PERFECT LOVE drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. THE ONE WHO FEARS IS NOT MADE PERFECT IN LOVE. We love because he first loved us. If anyone says 'I Love God,' yet hates his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. And he has given us this commandment: Whoever loves God must also love his brother."

Perfect Love

Words and Music by Annie McRae

Sixteen years old, brand new clothes, confidence and pride

But don't be fooled by the look of everything's alright

'Cause she's been fooled before and she doesn't trust a soul

What she needs is perfect love to come and make her whole

Chorus. - Perfect love never changes

Never turns and walks away

Doesn't care about where you've been

And never counts mistakes

Perfect love lasts forever

This kind comes from above

And I've been forgiven; touched and healed

By this perfect love

If you are searching for a love to make you complete

You won't find it on this earth in superficial dreams

Because the only love that's real, and the only love that's true

Is the perfect love of Jesus and it's perfect for you

I truly and honestly believe that at a young age, we really don't know what REAL LOVE is. It isn't until you completely know the Love of God, that you will experience love on a totally different level than the love you experience with high school lusts, and so forth. Every young person wants to feel love and be in love. No one wants to be lonely and miserable. I believe that when you date at such a young age you don't grasp the concepts of a love that comes from God like you should. You only know the kind of love that is at the level you can seem to understand. Young people perceive love differently, and look for love sometimes in all the wrong places. LOOK TO THE FATHER IN HEAVEN.. THERE YOU WILL FIND PERFECT LOVE.. Then, follow God's plan for you and you will find perfect love in a soul mate & spouse.

I don't think that I've ever really cried tears of joy in a relationship. It has always been tears of sadness or hurt. For the first time in my life I have finally cried tears of joy and love. God has blessed me a wonderful husband and friend. I am both filled with the Perfect Love of God, and the love that I share with the one person God has made for me! I hope that everyone can experience the PERFECT LOVE that God gives!

June 5, 2006: Lost In A World of Silence...

Lost in a world of silence,

As time passes by.

Deep in serious emotions,

Trying hard not to cry.

Longing for attention,

The things you promised me.

I'm caught up in the wishes,

Of a hopeless memory.

April 13, 2006: I can't live without you here.

Far away, I seem to feel your beating heart.

Miles away, I don't know where to start.

I miss your smiling face,

Your laughter, smell, & sweet embrace.

I long to see you & hold you tight.

I want to kiss you & make love through the night.

I am trying to be strong, for this is our love's test.

But secretly I'm sobbing, crying, gasping for a breath.

I love you with all of my heart.

I dream of the day we won't be apart.

I'm carrying your heart in mine,

& in time, I'll be just fine.